Dear Couples, The other day I looked at my boyfriend and asked him what he wanted to do for Valentines Day. Because I have been single for my whole life, this holiday conjures up images of me sitting alone on my bed watching The Great Mouse Detective and drinking Diet Coke out of a liter container, thinking about the fact that if I died at that very moment, I would not be found for days. Like in every television show, movie, and song that exists? Sit at adjacent tables and watch the couples sharing bowls of pasta, laughing out loud, looking longingly into each other’s eyes? This is a rough time of the year to be single, when everything around you is telling you you’re lame for not having a partner. The other night my boyfriend and I joined some friends for dinner at their lovely, mid-century home in the Hollywood Hills.“Nothing, I’m not big into Valentines Day,” he replied. I know this must make me sound super bitter about Valentines Day. These are the kind of guys that sort of make you gag because they’re so perfect.

You say “we” instead of “I.” Do you have couplefriends that answer everything in “we”? ” Couples destroy this potential for drama by only canoodling each other. Because the dramatic relationship you have with your boyfriend seems interesting to you, but is boring to everyone else. Which sometimes means they will fall in love and last forever, but more often means they’re actual psychopaths and their relationship is going to end in exactly 17 days. Now that you’ve entered coupledom your only hobby is shopping flea markets to find vintage furniture for your awesome house. Like young, single Anjelica Houston or young, single James Dean in their heydays.

What’s the fun in talking about a couple going home together? Do you have couple friends who constantly talk to you about the fights they have, the emotional issues that are tearing them apart? Gays, with their great taste and clever shopping tactics, have a superior ability to find cool stuff at flea markets and vintage stores. Yes, single people, I’m kind of calling you sluts here. Different friends represent different parts of your personality. You have twice the wardrobe because you’re the same size as your boyfriend and that’s just not fair to the rest of us who have to buy all our own clothes.

And at first you’re thankful that they’re telling you these stories because it makes them seem all the more human. When you multiply this by two you have an unfair shopping advantage that means they’re stealing great finds from single people everywhere, and that’s not right. Single friends allow you to express your carefree, adventurous side while couplefriends allow you to express the side of you that wants to sit on a Lazy Boy eating marshmallows all day. Do you have any idea how hard it is to maintain a wardrobe these days?

This is when I came to a realization about relationships: couples are annoying. Potato Head costume and that I’m lucky to even have clothes. I’d venture to guess we are just as annoying as that couple that made out at the dinner table. It’s probable that we are the most annoying couple in the whole world. You act like you’ve been married for ten years and you’ve been dating for two weeks.

So singles, if you are reading this, revel in the fact that you are cooler than couples. Inviting you to parties is way less exciting because you’re not going to hook up with anyone. Do you have couple friends that are like “Big new guys! ” And then you’re like “But you just met last week!

There are so many things that make couples more obnoxious than the average single person. Do you have only one half of one brain now that you’re in a relationship? Do you have couple friends that invite you to the movies with them then spend the whole time telling each other secrets and then quietly laughing? To exercise their adventurous spirit, single people jump off rocks and stay up tip 8 AM at Coachella. Let’s be real, the best part of a party is afterwards when you can talk about who hooked up with who and then judge them while secretly wondering if they are having more fun than you. (However, I kind of do want to watch these two nuzzle noses. ” And they look at you like you’re speaking gibberish, as if everyone dates for a week and then moves in together.Here is a short list of annoying things couples do: 1. No one wants to hear your “we” speak all the time, it’s grating and exhausting. And then you ask them what they’re laughing about and they’re like “nothing! These types of couples are the worst, and should be banished to islands where they can watch all the stupid movies they want in peace, without having to include anyone else in their hilarious banter. Couples, on the other hand, express their adventurousness by watching New Girl and trying the new kind of lentil soup from Trader Joe’s (side note: it’s delicious {I’m so lame! You can be like “Oh my god, Brian totally hooked up with Hollis and EVERYONE saw! Some couples move superfast and act like it’s normal and talk about getting married after like three dates. I know this because I am part of a couple and I am annoying.To our shock, delight, and terror, the third couple that showed up turned out to be totally smarmy. Most of his time is spent listening to me whining about the fact that I look like a sea cucumber in Mr.They practically made out at the table and called each other pet names the whole time. Potato Head costume and that I have nothing to wear.They nuzzled noses and gave each other congratulatory kisses after every sentence, as if it were the most brilliant thing ever uttered. And then he has to tell me I don’t look like a sea cucumber wearing a Mr.